I am spending my child support on dildos
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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