I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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