Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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