dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
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I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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