If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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