please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
