Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
