i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
