he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Text me some of your sweat
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
