It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
