he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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