I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
