My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
