now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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