I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
