My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
