do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
