god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
