There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
