there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
