Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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