I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
