Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
