He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
