Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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