I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
