I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
