Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
