We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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