What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we're making bets on your personal life
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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