Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
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My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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