just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
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