can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
