Rock
Scissors
Fuck
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
