I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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