now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wanna passion pit in your ass
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
