Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
