I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
