Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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