did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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