I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize