Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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