I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
NoShamevember. You game?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
