I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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