so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
