Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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