Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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