Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
