Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
