My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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