I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
