I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
