i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
