I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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