Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
