the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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