im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
