I am spending my child support on dildos
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
