This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
