first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
