There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
