I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
