Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Non-Jews are for practice
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
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i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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